Overview
Introduction
Before diving into this article, make sure to read the introductory article of this series and the article on the first conflict (individuation vs. dependence). These pieces provide essential background information that will help you better understand the themes covered here.
This article doesn’t focus on individual personality traits but rather on the unconscious conflicts that arise within empathic-narcissistic dynamics.
Some people are naturally more inclined to adapt and compromise, while others prefer to take the lead. This is part of the beautiful diversity of human behavior and can be a wonderful complement in relationships. The purpose of this article series is not to criticize these unique aspects of our individuality, but rather to explore them sincerely and, where possible, integrate aspects we may reject, view as foreign, or, perhaps subconsciously, even long for.
Now, let’s move on to the conflict at hand.
Conflict | Submission vs. Control
For a general understanding, both partners in the relationship experience the same conflict — submission vs. control. The difference lies only in how each partner manages this conflict. In the empathic-narcissistic relationship dynamic, the partner with a more narcissistic energy usually adopts an active coping mode (control), whereas the partner with an empathic coping style often defaults to the passive mode (submission). However, this dynamic can also be reversed.
Both modes serve — as with all inner conflicts — to avoid confronting the anxiety associated with them, making these behaviors a form of unconscious coping.
The passive mode (submission) is often characterized by excessive conformity and subordination. However, passive-aggressive behaviors may also appear in subordination (e.g., defiance or unspoken resentment). Emotionally, those in passive mode often experience impotent anger, along with shame and fear. For the partner of someone in a submissive mode, there can be a sense of underlying annoyance (“I adapt, but actually, this doesn’t feel right”).
The partner may react to the mode of submission with anger or feel a heightened urge to exert dominance over the passive individual.
A person in active mode, by contrast, tends to seek control. Emotionally, this can be characterized by feelings of defiant aggression, a lust for power, and frequent anger and irritation, often coupled with a fear of losing power. This can cause the other person to feel both fear of being controlled and an impulse to angrily resist.
Submission vs. control in toxic relationships
Read the article on the empathic wound and learn how, through an early-acquired adaptation program focused on others’ needs, an empathic person may struggle to maintain awareness of their own wants and needs. Their desires may even feel threatening. Recognizing, feeling, and expressing inner experiences can incite intense fear—the fear of losing valuable caregivers or their support. Beneath this, there lies a belief that emotional survival is dependent on fulfilling others’ needs.
If anger or frustration arises, empathic individuals may feel these emotions but often suppress them out of fear. Locked away, these feelings may also bring up feelings of shame over experiencing anger or resentment.
Thus, clear boundaries with others are often missing, and internally, there is little chance to integrate these emotions healthily. Repressed feelings can sometimes manifest through passive-aggressive behavior.
The ideal of love, often formed by early attachment experiences, may not permit these feelings. Passive submission can align with an individual’s self-image according to the ideal (“I should be like this”). Here, submission may feel safe. Yet anger and frustration are natural. Empathic conditioning can lead to accumulated anger, as continued submission fuels more resentment.
This unprocessed anger can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors, increased frustration (even depression), and a sense of helplessness or identification with a victim role.
On the side of individuals with narcissistic imprinting (active mode), the self-image is often shielded from external threats. Support is built from within, relying on control—filtering threatening feelings from within and outside, which can result in persistent tension.
Externally, dominant behaviors and manipulation may emerge, aimed at shaping situations to prevent perceived threats. This external control acts as a protection strategy.
In contrast to the passive mode, those in the active mode fear submission—fear of losing power. If control fails, fear can quickly turn into anger and prompt aggressive defenses.
However, it’s possible for a person with narcissistic imprinting to adopt the passive mode, as taking on a victim role can serve as another form of control. Conversely, those with empathic imprinting may tip into an active mode when inner pressure becomes overwhelming.
Empathic individuals might notice this tipping just before a relationship ends, feeling compelled to escape from a dynamic that no longer serves them. Understanding both modes and learning to integrate them healthily can help. Yet, a permanent shift won’t resolve the internal conflict.
After a breakup, some remain in either the passive or active mode, unaware of their own contributions to the relationship dynamic. Thus, victim-perpetrator perceptions persist.
Staying in polarized thinking, criticizing “evil narcissists” or “innocent empaths,” only perpetuates the dynamic: Looking outward—at others—without introspection. The sore point within us, the magnetic pole of empathic-narcissistic attraction, calls to be recognized, resolved, and brought into reconciliation.
As long as our focus remains on others, we miss out on self-reflection, the only source of change. Empaths might consider asking, “Why am I reacting this way? What scares me?”
This is not about assigning blame to the empathic person but affirming their unique individuality. Empaths often fall into self-optimization traps: “If I take this course or fix this aspect, then…”. However, the underlying assumption that they are not good enough persists. There’s no need to change; instead, it’s time to embrace their uniqueness.
Example | Submission vs. Control in a toxic relationship
Stefanie’s father had an alcohol problem in her early childhood and behaved extremely unpredictably. He repeatedly shouted at the smallest of occasions and became verbally aggressive. Stefanie employed a strategy to ensure her own survival and to smooth the waters: she did not express any needs (so as not to provide additional cause for outbursts), and her perception was always oriented toward her father’s behavior. For her, control consisted of not actively going outside but remaining silent and adapting to the situation (submission). This behavior calmed the permanent inner restlessness of little Stefanie. As time went on, she found it harder and harder to even feel her own needs and desires in her external orientation. When she was on the verge of demanding something for herself, she backed away from the inner turmoil and fear that would then arise. Among her friends, Stefanie was increasingly regarded as very considerate and adaptable, and was appreciated and liked for this. Her self-image was shaped by these terms – a sensitive, understanding and considerate woman (“that’s me”).
Her friend Viktor, on the other hand, set the tone early on. His mother showered him with material things, spoiled, and pampered him. However, Viktor’s mother also often left him alone. When his father was away on assembly, she maintained an extramarital affair and left the house in the evening. Viktor was scared when he woke up at night and no one was home. He started wetting himself and took a beating every time. When he then desperately, distraught, and deeply frightened wanted to get on his mother’s arm, she turned away and expressed that she would not take a bed-wetter in her arms.
Viktor learned to decouple his experience from external circumstances (absence of his mother at night) and to suppress his true feelings (which were associated for him with punishment). The need for control and an inner life independent of external circumstances/people were also reinforced because he received praise and recognition for academic achievement and a dry bed (control of emotions). Adaptation or even submission were henceforth unthinkable.
He closed off. His inner universe is the only safe place for him. There, only his person is of importance; potentially painful feedback from others does not penetrate here. He must maintain control over his inner (and outer) life at all costs.
Stefanie and Viktor carry the same conflict: submission vs. control. Both cope with this conflict in different ways regarding entering into relationships. Both feel fear when they come into contact with the other mode. Viktor manages the conflict actively (control), while Stefanie passively copes with it (submission).
A situation from their (not clearly defined) relationship could look like this: Viktor senses a rising tension with Stefanie because he has not been in touch for a week. He contacts Stefanie by text message and presents her with a fait accompli: He would like to see her again and has already arranged with two friends for the four of them to meet for bowling. Thus, Viktor already arranges the situation in such a way that a discussion is not possible and Stefanie can only decide: Go along or stay away. Either way – she more or less has to put her needs on hold. Stefanie is angry, hurt, and disappointed and would like to clarify this circumstance with Viktor. Stefanie could now take her own needs seriously and insist on having this conversation. By doing so, she would actively shape the situation for herself (move toward control).
These steps would be new to them, and anxiety would be evident (see above). Viktor’s behavior triggers healthy anger on the one hand but also fear. She passively manages the conflict of submission vs. control. Stefanie dismisses the idea of confronting Viktor (control), instead focusing on the potential threat (loss or an emotional outburst from Viktor). If she doesn’t adjust, she might not see or hear from Viktor for another week?
Stefanie (consciously) tells herself that Viktor is just freedom-loving and that he really knows what he wants – that’s why she loves him. She also doesn’t want to spoil his evening (“that’s me” – self-image). But subconsciously, she is also envious and angry that he just always decides everything on his own and has no consideration for her. She certainly feels her own needs, but they do not fit the self-image of the considerate, adaptable woman (“but I’m not like that”).
Her mode leads to the activation of previously suppressed needs and needs blocked by old imprints (direction of control). She experiences anxiety and is under tension. In order to protect her self-image and not have to face her conflict, she fends it off by blaming herself for her feelings (turning against the self). To match her self-image, she writes Viktor that she is very much looking forward to the evening together.
However, a powerless rage festers within her, which is shame-ridden, repressed, and yet later surfaces in the form of passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of understanding the power of her anger as clarity and an invitation to actively shape the situation (to stay at home), Stefanie accompanies Viktor, but remains in a bad mood the entire evening and hardly speaks a word to him. Viktor gets angry. After the evening, he approaches Stefanie and expresses that it doesn’t work like that – that she should have finally expressed that she wanted to go. What was actually going on with her? Stefanie expresses how much it has hurt her that he has not contacted her, to which Viktor reacts with incomprehension and, for his part, says that she should stick to the subject (change of subject – control).
Both feed their respective modes by taking the other’s coping pole. The balance between submission and control remains in the dynamic, and there is a colorful fireworks of unconscious defenses on both sides.
Finding balance | Leaving submission & tocix relationships
If control is indeed a challenge for you and the above lines resonate with you, you can start to face the challenge of gradually bringing the conflict of submission vs. control into conscious balance. You can start doing the following:
Pay attention to what makes you angry and embrace that feeling first. When you get angry, it maybe means that something is happening that does not have your full approval.
Is something going against the grain for you?
What exactly do you want to change for yourself?
It may also be that the behavior of your counterpart is making you angry because you have chosen this behavior for yourself. You may not concede what you would like. You might have judgements in your head (“bad”, “unfair”, “dangerous”). You can use these judgements to reflect and contemplate – maybe even consider a new perspective to open. So ask yourself the question:
What triggers me here right now?
Moving toward control does not mean making active mode your new home. It does not mean controlling or manipulating your entire environment or other people. Rather, it means finding the courage to face your truth. To stand for yourself and your feelings and take responsibility for them.
In concrete terms, this can also mean that you consciously take time to enter into a relationship with yourself, with your (locked-off) feelings, desires, and needs. That you make a commitment to yourself to listen within. To search within yourself for what you really want. And then to shape your behavior piece by piece so that you can deal with people (especially yourself!!!), things, and situations in a way that feels coherent to you.
When you allow yourself to create your own life, you move towards (healthy) control. A migration from the passive mode towards the center.
And please don´t get me wrong: Your ability to adapt is extremely valuable! It is in no way about abolishing or rejecting that. You can handle different situations and conditions; you are flexible, willing to compromise, and able to put yourself aside sometimes. There is even a gift in this facet of your soul: you can be guided, accompanied, and led on your life path (by the spiritual world, insights, God…).
If we always controlled everything, this would not be possible at all. And let’s be honest: often we don’t know what to do with ourselves, do we? How beautiful that you can be guided with confidence! You already carry that within you <3 (and so much more!). Now it’s just a matter of paying attention to whom or what you give permission to guide you…;-)
You can move towards balance by inviting all the aspects into your life that may have frightened you to this day. Everything you didn’t want to have or be (these are the shadows, my dear!). When you no longer lock your shadows in the basement, an incredible power is released. Your shadows can help you gradually feel more and more in balance.
You feel that others do not appreciate you appropriately, but also you do not speak your truth? How can others apppreciate you, if you´re not even there? You feel uncomfortable with accepting yourself? Would you like to cancel that?
You have fears that you actually would like to face?
You can now start to embrace all of that with confidence!
But you are worried that you will no longer be liked? Or to hurt someone?
Is this really true or do you not want to confront your fear?
And maybe realize that you are much more than what you think you are?
Is it about your self-image or simply live your very own life?
Confront your fear!
Go for it!
Believe me – you do not serve humanity by putting yourself in situations that do not serve you. Because you are part of humanity and deserve abundance!
Also – demarcation of what serves you from what is not is a profound protection against energy vampirism as explained in this article:
You are not a good person if you hand designing your life to others (or to your fears).
I invite you to be honest with yourself: it is actually not important what others think about you. And yes – other people might turn away if you express your wishes.
Who do you want to be?
What do you want to be like?
Reflect on yourself and how you navigate your life – where would you like to have more control and self-determination? Where are you actually making compromises that you do not want to make?
If you consider yourself an empathetic person, then this article invites you to be empathetic with yourself. To empathize with your anger, to empathize with your envy. Do not lock them away, but instead ask yourself: What are they trying to tell me? Let them exist and serve you with the messages they submit to you. Listen!
As long as you go along with everything – even what you don’t want – you lose energy (and – feed frustration and anger within you!). Energy that is meant for you and the manifestation of your life. Sincere, self-determined, yet empathetically connected. If you are losing energy, it may be because you are not yet able to hear the messages of your feelings very well.
You are the captain of your life! What do you think would happen if you truly felt that your life could be completely shaped & designed by you? That you don’t need the mercy of anything or anyone (not even your feelings!).
Your inner light wants to shine through you and be directed to those places where it feels right for you.
After mastering clarity and focus, anger and envy can also guide you – to stay true to yourself or to discover yourself.
By then you will know – you can trust your feelings and yes – also your hidden shadow sides.
Then you will have united two poles in one center of balance. Your center. You can return to it again and again.
Because then – you´ll have learned to feel yourself and to advocate for yourself. This means taking a step toward control.
I hope this article helped you on your path to self-empowerment.
Namasté and all the love for your journey,
Yours Kristina
