Overview
Introduction
The articles on individual conflicts are based on a basic article for this series, which you should ideally read first.
In summary: We all carry conflicts within us that create tension and possibly even fear. When we become aware of these conflicts, we can choose how to address them. Through honesty and self-reflection, we can foster acceptance, gradual integration, and ultimately become whole.
If these conflicts remain unconscious, inner turmoil and anxiety can arise, which we may struggle to identify.
The opposite of our own attempts at conflict resolution often manifests in others. We may find these individuals attractive because they embody traits that are connected to our own taboos, prohibitions, fears, or rejections. These may be attitudes and behaviors we believe we cannot or should not exhibit, or ones we condemn within ourselves. You can reflect on this for yourself below.
Because our counterparts express what scares us, our inner conflicts are frequently triggered, leading to tension.
If we are unaware of these inner conflicts, repetitive patterns of conflict may develop in our relationships.
Empathetic persons in such relationships often lack understanding. Usually this results in persistent tension, anxiety, confusion, energy depletion, and the empathic stress loop.
Let’s dive in examining the conflict of self-worth.
Conflict | Self-worth
In an
empathic-narcissistic or narcissistic/co-narcissistic dynamic, both partners experience an inner self-worth conflict. Here, it’s worth mentioning that self-worth is deeply connected to self-image, meaning the image of ourselves we’ve constructed over the years (Constructivism). This self-image shapes our understanding of ourselves and our environment. As long as our subjective reality aligns with this constructed image, we experience a feeling of congruence.
Congruence can also appear in therapy sessions. When a therapist is congruent, their thoughts, feelings, and actions align with their words. We experience congruence as pleasant and reassuring, while incongruence may create tension or discomfort. A mismatch between our self-image and the feedback from our environment can cause stress, shaking our self-image and with it, our self-worth. A healthy self-worth stems from a healthy relationship with oneself.
When we consistently think, feel, and act in appreciation toward ourselves, we cultivate self-worth in our relationship with ourselves. Self-worth can then grow, becoming less dependent on external circumstances. The more we reject our unrecognized shadows, taboos, and unrealistic perfectionism (forms of internal misprogramming), the more we may find ourselves rejecting aspects of ourselves. This lack of appreciation can even lead to fear of our own traits, pushing us to conceal them from ourselves and others. Often, these hidden aspects are precisely the parts that don’t fit into our constructed self-image—what we’d rather not be.
The less we see ourselves as valuable—with all our unique facets, shadows, weaknesses, and strengths—the more our self-worth depends on outside validation and reinforcement. We project an idealized self-image and hope our behavior will bring us validation, acceptance, and appreciation from others, so we feel valuable, seen, and recognized. This pursuit of validation can be both conscious and unconscious. On one hand, self-worth and self-confidence may gain support from the outside, but we also risk making our self-worth contingent on “appropriate behavior.” If our emotions, thoughts, or impulses clash with our self-image, we may unwittingly undermine our self-worth through self-rejection. In such cases, self-worth is unstable, subject to internal conflicts and tension, and we try to manage this in various ways.
In the passive coping mode of self-worth conflict, the constructed self-image includes a belief of being less valuable than others. Emotionally, there may be a prevailing sense of shame about one’s own existence and worth, with a sense of “not good enough” (especially not for oneself), self-criticism, and belittlement. This often sends a message to others that conveys direct or indirect self-devaluation. Such devaluation can place others in a pedestal position, leading to idealization, even when unintended.
However, interaction partners often receive mixed signals from the passive mode. This self-devaluation generates pressure, potentially causing others to feel inclined to affirm the passive mode (“I think you do have your merits”), while simultaneously creating a counter-impulse to push back against the pressure (“This is really draining!”). Thus, the passive mode establishes a kind of tension for the interaction partner, who may feel compelled to either contradict the self-deprecating stance (“fishing for compliments”) or, consciously or unconsciously, confirm it.
In contrast, the active coping mode takes a different approach to the self-worth conflict. It projects a confident, self-assured facade and seeks validation for a grandiose self-image through external affirmation. This need is driven by an underlying narcissistic anger, rooted in deep self-doubt about the reality of this grandiose self-image. Continuous inner self-doubt persists, which the active mode attempts to counterbalance through external validation.
Interactionally, the active mode essentially conveys, “Admire me!” This self-assured stance communicates subtle devaluation of others, making them feel indirectly challenged. Interaction partners may experience reactions ranging from genuine admiration of the active mode’s perceived accomplishments, to feelings of discomfort, to a defensive urge to justify themselves. They may experience anger or fatigue in response.
Similar to the passive mode, the active mode creates a tension, demanding a response: Approval of the active mode’s self-assurance also implies acceptance of its self-worth claims. Approval can also implicitly devalue oneself, unless one is very self-aware. Another possible reaction is to respond with contradiction by asserting one’s own merits, leading to a subtle competition for self-worth. This reveals how dependent self-worth may be on external validation. Interaction partners may end up discussing their worth or, in more advanced cases, shift into mutual devaluation or criticism, as they each seek to stabilize their own self-worth through comparison.
Self-worth conflict in toxic relationships
At first glance, it may seem straightforward: The empathic individual views himself as less valuable (passive mode) and often experiences feelings of shame. Through his outward display of self-deprecation (“making himself small”), he attracts people who feel “drawn” to this energy. These individuals often manage their own self-worth struggles through an idealized perception of others.
For the narcissistic person the passive mode is an open invitation. The narcissistic individual typically operates in the active mode,
projecting confidence and creating situations to evoke admiration and recognition. When the passive mode responds with admiration, it reinforces the narcissistic person’s sense of validation. In return, the narcissistic person may actively boost the self-worth of the passive individual for a time by affirming their qualities (“You have incredible traits!” = Love bombing). During the initial phase, both may feel an intoxicating connection, as the active mode engages creatively, showering the passive mode with affirmations. For those with a narcissistic imprint, the drive for elevation and admiration is a key component of what they consider “relationship.”
This highlights the common phenomenon of “relationship transactions.” There’s an exchange: something is given, and something is received in return. This dynamic is present on both sides and — fatally — is often unconscious. The passive mode, or empathic side, also wishes for self-worth stabilization from an external source. Initially, the narcissistic counterpart fulfills this need. Over time, however, the interactions become exhausting, and both sides become more aware of the underlying exchange. The active mode’s self-affirmations increasingly come across as self-centered devaluations,
sparking healthy resistance in the empathic side. On the other hand, the empathic person’s continued self-deprecation may annoy
and even frustrate the active mode, which feels subtly invited to devalue the empathic partner further.
As the relationship progresses, inhibitions decrease, and the transaction becomes more transparent, yet less effective. The need for recognition and validation (both in active and passive modes) becomes more pronounced. However, each side feels less willing to adjust their role in this game. At the beginning, both feel affirmed in their self-image through the other’s response, creating a sense of congruence. The alignment stabilizes their self-worth through this mode match — like a lock fitting a key, reinforcing a cycle of dependency.
Yet, when idealization eventually falters, the active mode may react with narcissistic rage.
The empathetic person initially submits (feeling shame) but gradually realizes that continual self-deprecation in idealizing the other reaches the limits of their own self-worth. At this stage, the empathic individual might shift into active mode, responding with anger, creating situations to elicit validation from the narcissistic partner. These modes are fluid. Within an empathic-narcissistic dynamic, this reversal can lead the narcissistic person to accuse the empathic individual (“You were angry and made yourself the center of attention!”) or even deny their own prior behavior. This often triggers the empathic person into self-doubt and internalized blame, leading them to question their perception entirely, reinforcing dependency.
At times, the narcissistic person may slip into passive mode, a state they cannot sustain for long. When this happens, repressed
self-doubt emerges, causing panic (as detailed in the article on narcissistic wound).
The narcissistic person might then attempt to restore the initial dynamic by adopting a submissive victim role (“No one validates me!”), flee the situation (ghosting), or externalize emotions through denial and projection. If stuck in passive mode for too long, they may face a personal crisis, descending into depressive and potentially suicidal states, as their coping strategies crumble.
Interesting:
In cases of covert narcissism, the passive mode can be a long-term strategy. Here, the victim role is instrumentalized to gain sympathy and validation. Narcissism in this context is apparent when the person becomes resentful if others do not reinforce their suffering or encourage them to take proactive steps. Suggestions to address their situation are often resisted, met with criticism, or even outright hostility. The passive mode in covert narcissism serves as a tool for attention, where recognition comes paradoxically through victim acknowledgment (“You’ve given so much!”). Covert narcissists thrive on approval that endorses their sacrifices, securing a paradoxical form of validation.
Summary | self-worth
As this entire series of articles suggests, collusive connections are based on conscious or unconscious deals. Certain roles are adopted that follow a recognizable pattern. When the key and the lock meet, it can create a significant clash, almost like a “clanking” experience. This connection can work to some extent, as shown in previous illustrations.
However, both partners in such a relationship remain inauthentic, displaying unresolved inner conflicts and shadows that continue to impact them—though they may appear hidden from the outside. Both partners avoid facing certain internal conflicts, seeking validation from the outside for what they do not truly hold within themselves. This approach, though tempting, cannot provide lasting satisfaction.
The self-worth conflict within empathic-narcissistic or narcissistic/co-narcissistic dynamics, in my opinion, represents one of the most intense struggles. When such a connection is broken, the self-worth that relied on the relationship’s stability becomes vulnerable. Should the relationship end, the “source” of external affirmation may also disappear.
Even as the empathically inclined individual progresses and finds less and less affirmation, the hope for a return to how things once were can be powerful enough to accept a lot to regain that feeling. Many partners, therefore, find themselves asking questions like, “Will he/she get back on track?” or “It was different in the beginning—doesn’t that still exist within him/her?”
These questions are understandable, and the longing is profound. However, they are misdirected. Until one chooses to value oneself—building inner self-worth—a healthy relationship cannot be achieved. Instead, it will remain a dependency, with something constantly expected from the outside. Powerful keys for empaths to move on after such a relationship can be found in this article.
In many cases, particularly for the empathically inclined, self-worth was gradually replaced with external affirmation and appreciation. This often leads to feeling unable to stand alone. At this point, the fear of addressing one’s self-worth issues and underlying patterns is substantial.
But here lies the key to disrupting the pattern and breaking the magnetic pull—one of the doors to personal freedom.
I hope this article provides you with greater clarity and aids in your journey toward self-empowerment. I wish you much success and all the best on your path! I greatly appreciate feedback, recommendations, reviews, comments, and sharing the article with others!
Namasté and all the love,
Your Kristina
