Overview
Prologue | A day in the swimming pool
Setting boundaries is healthy & necessary. Today I learnt how setting boundaries can be both: clear & empathic. My teacher was my niece. But let me tell you in detail…
I went to the swimming pool with my five-year-old niece. It was an exclusive activity, full of quality time for both of us. She is very sensitive to smells, noises, bright lights, and can instantly sense when “something is off.”
She is incredibly in tune with her own feelings, very perceptive. That is something I deeply relate to, and in this way, we understand each other quite well. Today, I had the chance to learn something from her.
She had an amazing time throwing a ring into the children’s pool and finding it with her diving goggles. At one point, a boy entered the pool and started swimming behind her continuously. He kept watching her and even took the ring away from her two or three times. She took it back from him—kindly, but firmly.
I spoke with the boy’s mom, but her requests for her son to leave my niece alone were to no avail; she seemed a bit at a loss herself. While she was busy with her daughter, her son continued the game.
I spoke to the boy, explaining that I understood he wanted to join in, but that my niece wanted to play alone right now. That worked for a while, but soon he began again.
I wondered how best I could help her, but then she surprised me and everyone else around. She helped herself.
Setting Boundaries | My five-year-old Niece
My niece came over to me at the edge of the pool, still in a good mood, and put the ring in my hand. Then she walked up to the boy and sat down with him in the water, looking him straight in the eye:
“Listen, this isn’t against you, but I want to play by myself and it bothers me when you’re always following me around. Could you please stop doing that? Yes? Thank you!”
The boy was speechless. I repeat: my niece is five (!!!) years old. She continued playing by herself, and he left her in peace. Successful boundary-setting! And with genuine empathy for the boy who had been bothering her!
Later, she teamed up with another girl, and they played together. When she came back from the playground with her “new friend,” they both wanted to return to the kiddie pool. The other girl’s mom agreed. Once again, the boy was in the pool and immediately noticed the two girls, wanting to start again.
Before anything could happen, my niece went over to him, sat down in the water in front of him, and said:
“My friend and I want to play with the ring here now, and I don’t want you swimming behind us or taking the ring from us. This isn’t about you, but I want to play in peace. So, could you leave us alone? Can you do that?“
I was completely stunned, and the boy seemed equally impressed. His mother overheard and started keeping a closer eye on him. The two girls played—and they had their peace.
Today, I learned something about setting boundaries. And not in a hard or defensive way, but with a level of sensitivity and empathy that is truly remarkable. Direct, yet in a sense of connectedness.
Later, when we talked about it, my niece very aptly remarked, “There’s no way he’s going to be my friend.” She was perfectly clear about where she stood in relation to the boy. She didn’t ignore him; instead, she made contact and established a relationship with him—and defined her boundaries. My space, your space. Closure – distance. Five years old & setting boundaries that smart & natural!
6 misconceptions about setting boundaries
1. I must exclude the other in order to set my boundaries
When we talk about setting boundaries, many people immediately think of a wall going up, a strong stop or halt, and even punishing the other with a complete break of contact. Excluding the other to protect oneself.
And yes—in some cases (when someone does not respect our boundaries at all), this may indeed be necessary. But it is by no means the healthy norm.
When we approach it this way and always walk out of a relationship, we don’t actually learn how to set real boundaries in relationships. We only learn to run away. Worse yet, we break the connection. The truth is that we are all part of one human family. Here, everyone is also allowed to take care of themselves. But we may learn to communicate these boundaries with respect and dignity. If we succeed in this, then we do not separate ourselves from others and others from us. We stay in contact but determine the intensity and framework.
2. I always have to get loud in setting my boundaries
For me that´s the biggest misconception. It´s even false! We are allowed to make sure that we are heard. That means speaking clearly and distinctly. But if we shout and get loud, in most cases, it expresses our own anger, hurt, self-doubt, feelings of inferiority or insecurity. Yet still, we aren’t heard.
Because as soon as we raise our voice, the other person´s reptilian brain gets immediately activated. That means they no longer hear what we say, only how we say it. So, the other person will not understand what we mean.
In such a case, it’s as though two Stone Age people are facing off, fighting for survival and reacting from the depths of their hormonal fog (see post about the survival mode).
3. Setting boundaries will make me lose people important to me
Clearly acknowledging & sharing our perceptions and desires is self-expression. In fact, that’s how we truly relate to one another. We let that’s within us be seen. When people are important to us, don’t they deserve our sincerity and honesty? And if the relationship is truly important to both parties, won’t they appreciate that we show up as we are? Aren’t these people interested in our well-being?
It may well happen that some relationships change when setting boundaries. And yes – sometimes it´s not easy to take an opposing opinion or perception. Some people may be lost along that way. But are those people really interested in you – if they only accept you when you’re pretending or say, what they want to hear?
Are they interested in you, or simply a comfortable version of you?
4. I have to learn to distance myself
You don’t have to learn anything. Yes—you can learn different approaches or techniques. And you may choose your own way of setting boundaries, whatever feels right to you. I know many people who have never consciously learned boundary-setting, yet naturally express their true selves with a certain ease.
For example, a good friend of mine sets his boundaries by saying, with a smile, “
I’m just going to see a man about a dog.” He doesn’t even think about “setting a boundary”—he simply pays attention to his feeling, which tells him he doesn’t want to talk about a certain topic right now. So, setting a boundary doesn’t necessarily require learning. Sometimes it’s just listening inward and then trusting what comes up. And then consequently doing so— un-learning everything else & act without drama.
5. If I have to set a boundary, the other person is a “bad person”
People are naturally self-centered to some degree, and a healthy dose of self-interest is important. Setting boundaries may be necessary when someone’s self-interest violates our personal limits. But this doesn’t mean that the other person is “bad.” Some people may not even realize they’re being inconsiderate. So, we can find a gentle way of setting boundaries, remembering that our egocentric counterpart may simply be unconscious of their behavior. If we automatically label someone as “bad,” we miss seeing other, perhaps loving and vulnerable aspects of them. My niece saw the boy’s annoying side, but spoke to him kindly and respectfully, not diminishing his worth. He simply bothered her.
6. If I set a boundary, I am a “bad person” myself
This thought often leads us to label our own self-interested feelings as “bad,” creating a shadow issue.
Here’s where it gets complicated: If we label something within us as “bad,” we won’t allow that part to express itself. This shadow then arises every time we feel annoyed by another’s self-interest. But if we haven’t allowed ourselves to act on our own egocentric impulses, we miss a valuable component of setting boundaries in a healthy way.
We are not “bad people” for sometimes wanting our own way. And if we express this for ourselves, we are better able to allow it in others. My niece knew she wanted to play with her friend, and that was her truth.
Points 5 and 6 are connected. When we judge egocentrism (or self-care) in others or ourselves as inherently “bad,” we cut off a natural part of ourselves. Something human becomes divided into “good” and “bad.”
Epilog
After my niece and her new friend had played undisturbed for a while, they began glancing more often in the boy’s direction: “Now he’s moving that way! Watch out!” They dashed up the slide—fast enough to avoid his gaze, which only made him notice them more. A “new game” was developing—and the boy caught on.
At that point, I asked my niece to come over for a moment and told her she had handled the situation well and with sensitivity. I explained that the boy would leave them alone now, and it would be good if they also played on their own and left him in peace. I suggested they could take turns hiding and searching for the ring on “their side” of the pool. She nodded, “That’s right, Kris.” Then she took her new friend by the hand, “Come on, I’ll hide the ring, and you find it.”
Our ego can tempt us, even after successfully setting boundaries, to keep revisiting the situation or to stay focused on what was actually an unpleasant topic. After setting a boundary, many people find their focus shifts too much onto the other person. What is my counterpart doing now? How are they reacting? The behavior of the other person can become a part of the event again—despite just having established distance from it.
The reasons for this are quite human: letting go can be difficult, and one might feel curiosity or even seek renewed “friction” to reinforce the sense of self-worth (boosting self-esteem). Many adults also experience feelings of guilt. Thus, what started as a successful boundary set with compassion can evolve into a small ego game, often leading to drama. Roles of pursuer, victim, and rescuer become established or switch, setting the stage for conflict and escalation. For more on this dynamic, read this article.
Here we may all learn to look mindfully and consciously.
The Gentle Warrior | Redefining Boundaries with Compassion
Many people have turned to me again and again with the topic of setting boundaries. Since I worked with many highly sensitive empathic people, it was necessary to develop an individual, sensitive, and yet clear way of setting boundaries in the course of our work. That included the needs of connectedness, respect, and compassion.
In my coaching sessions, the topic of setting boundaries is approached differently than usual. There is a form of setting boundaries meant for all the gentle warriors among us who truly desire peace yet want to cultivate commitment to clear borders. There are those people willing to harness the power of loving clarity for themselves, and combine it with encompassing wishes for well-being of all. In coaching, my clients gain a new, more sensitive, yet clear way of setting boundaries.
I cannot emphasize it enough: Allow the love in your life to include yourself. With ALL your facets! Even that self-centered aspect of you deserves to exist be acknowledged. Everything has its place in your inner colorful diversity.
May you be whole, complete, and present.
Namasté
Your Kristina
Invitation
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The model assumptions are based on years of professional observation, personal experience, and knowledge from psychoanalysis, psychodynamics, and developmental psychology. For more information, please refer to the Copyright notice. The articles, including assumptions and hypotheses, may be shared freely, but please always provide attribution (my name and the website).
