A tree without strong roots cannot nourish itself nor withstand a storm. In the coaching process, central values and universal principles serve as anchors for orientation and direction. These values and roots are integrated in my coaching approach and affect how I address specific topics.
The information provided here allows you to assess whether these values resonate with you. However, despite everything you’ll read here, rest assured: I’m not a fan of dogmatism! These values serve as guidelines for orientation, but we should not reject human nature principles for ideals.
Beyond all concepts, ideas, and ideals, we are all simply human – vulnerable, imperfect, and born to live a human life.
If you’re curious about how these values and roots became part of my life and work, you can read more here:
By recommending specific products, I earn as a qualified Amazon-Partner from Affiliate Links, which can be found in the text below.
Client-centered psychotherapy emerged from humanistic psychology. Carl Rogers (1902–1987) was a key figure whose foundational attitude has also become central to my approach:
Rogers believed that every human being has an innate tendency towards self-actualization and strives for fulfillment. Humans naturally seek to become whole and evolve. Furthermore, it is assumed that each person carries within themselves everything needed for healing, analysis, and problem-solving within their own personal sphere.
According to Rogers, difficulties arise from an experienced incongruence within the individual seeking guidance. For Rogers, it is crucial to create a supportive environment that reduces incongruence and fosters personal growth in those seeking help.
You can explore Carl Rogers’ perspective in his book On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy.
According to Rogers, three core attitudes are essential to creating a supportive climate in the therapeutic process:
Unconditional Positive Regard: This is a fundamental human need. Whatever is expressed and experienced by the individual is accepted without conditions or judgment. It involves encouragement and the expression of solidarity.
Empathy: Empathy entails understanding the perspective and difficulties of the person seeking help, and conveying this empathy in a way that is felt and experienced by them.
Congruence (Authenticity, Genuineness): The relationship between the counselor and the help-seeker is on equal footing, where the counselor is open to their own experiences and expresses them appropriately and authentically.
Meaning in the coaching process: I generally feel these three basic attitudes within me and enter a coaching process with the corresponding heart- and mindset. Everything is focused on your self-actualization and – there are no taboos. Everything may be felt, experienced, and expressed. Even if you judge something inside yourself as “bad” or even “evil,” the unconditional positive regard for you as a person remains unaffected.
In general, my attitude is one of appreciation. Every person has inherent value. Especially in the area of toxic relationships, blatant polarizations and devaluations have become increasingly common. From my personal experience, I can deeply relate to the anger and sadness behind such situations. However, it does not benefit anyone to answer black-and-white thinking with more black-and-white thinking (see Map of Consciousness).
Regardless of which Buddhist school we look at, there are three commonalities I find to be true and helpful in the coaching process: The principles of compassion and the sources of suffering – attachment and rejection.
Suffering occurs when we do not want to have a certain circumstance, emotion, or state – this is when we feel aversion. Similarly, we suffer when we want something too much or cannot let go of something or someone. What we hold on to can be both positive and negative: thoughts, longings, or desires.
The principle of compassion addresses our true being, which can only be fully experienced in connectedness. As we cultivate compassion, it contributes to the wellbeing of all sentient beings – ourselves included.
Meditation is the path to gaining freedom from (painful) identifications. Those who practice detachment from thoughts, feelings, and impulses develop the ability to handle everything that surfaces. We become freer, more aware, and more capable of addressing even those issues we may have avoided in the past.
In meditation, arising phenomena are not suppressed but accepted. The only active decision lies in choosing what to focus on. In this way, our mind learns to detach from emerging phenomena.
Meaning in the coaching process: The ability to detach from thoughts, beliefs, and ideas reduces the stress of overwhelming emotions and increases flexibility and relaxation during times of change.
A window opens to new possibilities and perspectives. Softening identifications with previous images of the self and the world can be both liberating and relieving.
Compassion presents a significant challenge for all of us. Especially in the area of toxic relationships, many emotional veils are active, clouding our vision and preventing us from being compassionate – with ourselves. It is much more important to accept and learn to guide those experiences you are currently going through. Rogers (see above) can assist us here: Everything may be felt, lived, and expressed.
And be careful: Compassion does not mean liking or agreeing! A lack of compassion often stems from behaviors that hurt us deeply. It is an authentic response. Anger can serve as a stepping stone toward a new form of genuine compassion – one that includes self-compassion.
The book Initiation by Elisabeth Haich (Affiliate Link) has touched me deeply and resonates greatly with my inner truth. The wonderful story contains teachings from the ancient Egyptian high priest Ptahhotep. He explains what mastering the twelve twin traits looks like. This concept is also significant for the coaching process.
According to Ptahhotep, the twin traits originate from the same primordial source (Duality = Unity). They are interconnected. One twin is always visible (revealed) while the other remains invisible (unrevealed). However, both are present simultaneously. Ptahhotep describes mastering these twin qualities as using each at the appropriate time and place.
Here are the twelve twin traits (based on the initiation, freely adopted by me):
If we open ourselves to receive the good, the blessed, the true, and the beautiful (the Divine), receptivity can be immensely helpful. However, receptivity becomes detrimental when we accept everything unconsciously and without discrimination, leading to unwitting influenceability.
Conversely, uninfluenceability can be advantageous as it allows us to steadfastly resist lower influences and negative effects. Yet, uninfluenceability becomes harmful when we also resist beneficial and higher vibrational forces, isolating ourselves from the positive energies we need.
Obeying can be beneficial when we follow and listen to divine impulses and our own innermost convictions. However, obeying out of cowardice, fear, material gain, or the desire to “be good” can be harmful.
Ruling can be constructive if it is grounded in universal love and the intention for the common good, while respecting people’s rights to self-determination. In contrast, unkind and selfish ruling that seeks to impose one’s own will on others is a form of harmful tyranny.
Humility is beneficial when it is directed toward the Divine and everything that originates from it. It reflects our acknowledgment of the divine core that dwells in all creations, including ourselves. However, humility becomes detrimental when one bends the knee to material or evil forces, as this violates one’s own divine essence.
Self-confidence is advantageous when it is based on trust in one’s own divine core for the benefit of all. Conversely, it becomes harmful when one’s illusory personality takes center stage, leading to demonstrations of arrogance.
Being fast as light is beneficial when it enables us to make instantaneous decisions without hesitation, allowing us to seize irretrievable opportunities with conscious presence of mind. However, being as fast as light can be harmful if it results in haste without mindfulness, consideration, and concentration.
Prudence is advantageous when it leads to helpful decisions through patience and the control of temperament, serving the interests of everyone involved. Conversely, prudence becomes detrimental when it manifests as infinite guessing, preventing timely decisions and resulting in indecision.
To be able to accept everything is beneficial when external circumstances, criticism or praises don´t affect the experience of one’s own, divine value and consciousness. An all-embracing acceptance can become harmful if necessary defense against humiliations or contradicting idealizations are missing and thus leads to a characterlessness or apathy.
To be able to distinguish is beneficial if it helps to separate the beautiful, true, good, divine from the ugly, false, bad, non-divine.
Caution is beneficial and necessary to protect oneself and others from harm and senseless sacrifices. However, caution can become harmful when it stems from cowardice, fear, and a lack of self-confidence.
Courage is a blessing when it motivates you to wield the sword of truth against the shadows of error, striving for divine peace and transforming disunity into unity. This approach fosters peace instead of conflict – a crucial distinction that is often overlooked. However, courage becomes detrimental when it leads to senseless arguments in a blind fight or when one recklessly challenges the divine.
Everything material is meant to be used for divine work and tasks. Owning nothing is becoming a water channel that does not care how much water flows through it. The beneficial attitude of non-attachment should always be maintained. Be ready to pass on what you have received from God. This attitude becomes harmful when it degenerates into indifference and contempt for material things.
Having everything is beneficial when it comes from an appreciative awareness of matter as a revelation of God, allowing one to acquire as much as necessary to use, hold, and enjoy. Thus, possessing everything can liberate us from subjection to earthly powers. However, this quality becomes harmful when it leads to selfish possessiveness.
Being bound to nothing is beneficial if it serves to follow your divine call and allows you to let go of people and circumstances, all while recognizing that a beloved person is an instrument of God’s revelation. This non-attachment becomes harmful when it turns into general unkindness toward others.
Allegiance is beneficial when it is directed toward the divine within people and establishes a covenant for a higher purpose blessed by God. Being loyal to a teacher, master, or co-worker means being loyal to the God within them. However, allegiance becomes harmful when it turns into personal worship or a cult of personality.
Showing oneself is beneficial if it makes the public aware of the God-given gifts, talents, abilities, and love given to all of us. If showing oneself can touch and encourage the public, leading to the welfare and benefit of all people, it is positive. However, it becomes harmful if it awakens the devil of vanity and leads to self-indulgence and boasting.
To remain unnoticed is beneficial if it helps one feel like one among many and allows for blending into the mass. Remaining unseen can turn harmful if it fosters personal self-underestimation or even self-destruction.
Death defiance is beneficial when facing danger, as the confidence in the immortality of the divine self erects unshakable courage through trust in God. This attitude becomes harmful when it degenerates into contempt for life.
Appreciation of life is beneficial because it prevents us from exposing ourselves and others to senseless danger and allows us to feel joy. However, it can be harmful when the appreciation of life degenerates into sensuality as a self-serving purpose.
This is the hardest trait to master, and it’s only possible after mastering the other ones. These two twins always reveal themselves together – naturally and involuntarily. Loving everything without distinction embodies divine, all-encompassing love. It requires the abandonment of personal preferences, inclinations, and feelings.
A love characterized by divine indifference is like the sun, radiating on everything that exists: beautiful, ugly, true, false, good, and evil. As a reflection of the ineffable Divine, this love embraces all, recognizing that one cannot exist without the other. God’s love is entirely indifferent. It demands that we help and work for the benefit of every soul.
The challenge of this all-encompassing love lies in respecting the free will of others, even when they choose a path of suffering and torment, rejecting any offers of assistance. Just as God does not interfere in people’s affairs and respects our free will, we must not force, push, or interfere with anyone’s very personal decisions. Indifference is part of love. In this love, there are no personal inclinations. However, this divine yet challenging love must never turn into unkindness; otherwise, it becomes harmful.
Ptahhotep’s teachings on the twin traits suggest that a trait or behavior is never absolutely right or wrong. Rather, it is a matter of choosing them at the right time and in the right place. This understanding relieves the coaching process from the domination of self-blame. A behavior or characteristic is not inherently wrong; it may have simply been used in an unhelpful way.
The twin characteristics emphasize that we live in a relative world, where the same behavior can be helpful at one time and harmful at another. Mastering this relativity is significant in the coaching process. A conscious choice can be made from the free will of one’s higher self, which is not separate from God. This awareness provides orientation. Creating clear decisions, accompanied by positive energy, leads to a freer and more self-determined life.
Hermetic philosophy or doctrine goes back to Hermes Trismegistos, who is understood as a symbiosis of the ancient Egyptian god Thoth (god of wisdom) and the Greek god Hermes (messenger of the gods). The hermetic laws are said to have been recorded on emerald tables that are lost to this day. These laws were first published in the Kybalion (Affiliate Link) in 1908.
Seven universal laws have been formulated. These can be found in almost all religious orientations. Since the hermetic laws are universal, they work both in the external universe and the internal. They are incredibly valuable for the mirror process and the inner work of coaching. They assist every person who is searching for oneself, concrete solutions and the very own truth. They can help us to gain orientation. Following you´ll find the laws and what they may mean for the process.
HERMETIC LAW
SIGNIFICANCE FOR THE PROCESS
1. The principle of the mind
The source of life is the Creator Spirit, which rules over matter. All creation originates in the mind.
Your spiritual activities and attitudes have a creative effect. What we think causes reality. The goal is to cultivate awareness for creativity and self-responsibility.
2. The principle of cause and effect
Everything causal generates something, and all effects have a cause. Every action (even mental) generates energy that returns to the sender with the same intensity.
Nothing in our life appears without a preceding cause, and nothing we do is without effect. What we send out and radiate returns to us. Goal: Awareness of cause-effect relationships.
4. The principle of resonance, vibration, or attraction
Things attract similar things and are reinforced by the same things. Unequal things repel each other. It is therefore important that we look at what we carry within ourselves and choose more and more consciously.
We are not victims of circumstances. What appears in our lives has been attracted by something within ourselves. We can use that as a mirror and ask: What and why are we attracting in what ways? Goal: Self-awareness and recognition of inner messages.
5. The principle of polarity
Everything consists of two opposites whose common nature is identical: hard and soft, large and small, hot and cold. Pairs of opposites merely describe poles on a common scale.
Hot and cold are two expressions on the temperature scale. Opinions and views never reflect “absolute truths” – everything is relative and needs the opposite to exist. How can you experience cold if warmth does not exist?
6. The principle of rhythm and vibration
Everything vibrates, is in motion, and has its rhythms and tides. There is no standstill. A movement in one direction entails a backswing in the other direction, like a pendulum. Rise and fall, in and out. Life vibrates and causes rigid things to break.
7. The principle of gender
Everything consists of a pair of opposites (5.), and these opposites arise from a common origin – they are one. Everything has male and female characteristics and is gendered. Gender strives towards unity. Where masculine and feminine aspects are combined, creation comes into being.
Masculine and feminine aspects exist within each of us, representing two essential forces of life – Yin and Yang. Both energies are necessary, internally and externally, and should be in balance. Harmonizing the relationship between these energies brings healing and fosters co-creation on both individual and collective levels. The aim is to achieve inner harmony and accept the (seemingly) contradictory forces within us.
Important: The Hermetic Laws should not be used dogmatically to suppress or replace genuine experience. Everything can and should be felt, thought, and expressed. These laws serve as a guide in the coaching process and help us understand situations from a broader perspective, offering insight into where we might be asking the wrong questions.
This map by David Hawkins (Affiliate Link) shows how reality, one’s own existence is experienced on individual levels (= consciousness). In addition, the levels indicate the current degree of loving kindness. Again: the scale is not meant to be a contest or dogma, but rather as a tool for determining where one’s consciousness is currently residing (“Where am I located?”), for setting goals (“To which level do I want to turn to?”) in order to stimulate helpful changes (“How do I get to where I want to be?”). Sometimes it is enough to take a deep breath and change the level by just deciding to do so. In other cases – e.g. when we have issues on a lower level (e.g. on the level 150 – anger) – it is a matter of consciously directing, understanding and analyzing our experiences on that specific level.
According to Hawkins, the level 200 marks the threshold to integrity. From there, we move upwards into the realm of life-affirming frequencies. If we keep on returning to a level below 200, that may indicate an individual issue waiting at that level.
Don’t get this wrong: It’s not about being positive all the time. That would not be authentic. Rather, the scale helps to acknowledge what is, carefully examine and integrate emerging topics to enable oneself to leave the lower levels again by means of conscious self-regulation.
Level 1000
Highest earthly attainable value of consciousness
Level 1000: Highest earthly attainable level of consciousness
Level 700 – 1000
Level 600
ENLIGHTENMENT, pure consciousness, indescribable
PEACE, Bliss, Transillumination
Level 700 – 1000: ENLIGHTENMENT, pure consciousness, indescribable
Level 600: PEACE, Bliss, Transillumination
Around level 600
Threshold to silence and peace
Dissolution of personal ego/karma – non-duality
Beginning to take responsibility for the collective karma
Around level 600: Threshold to Silence and Peace
Dissolution of the personal ego/karma – non-duality
Beginning to take responsibility for the collective karma
Level 540
Level 500
JOY, unconditional love, forgiveness
LOVE, adoration, beauty, gratitude, revelation
Level 540: JOY, unconditional love, forgiveness
Level 500: LOVE, Worship, Beauty, Gratitude, Revelation
Around level 500
Threshold to love
Non-linearity – Awareness – As-well-as model of thinking
Around level 500: Love Threshold
Non-linearity – awareness – As-well-as model of thinking
Level 400
Level 350
Level 310
Level 250
Level 200
UNDERSTANDING, abstraction, science
ACCEPTANCE, Enthusiasm, Productivity, Forgiveness, Worldly Success
READINESS, Optimism, Intention
NEUTRALITY, confidence, letting go
COURAGE, civil courage, affirmation, sincerity
Level 400: UNDERSTANDING, Understanding, Abstraction, Science
Level 350: ACCEPTANCE, enthusiasm, productivity, forgiveness, worldly success
Level 310: WILLINGNESS, optimism, intention
Level 250: NEUTRALITY, Confidence, Letting go
Level 200: COURAGE, moral courage, affirmation, sincerity
Around level 200
Threshold of integrity
Homo sapiens vs. Homo spiritus
Self-regulating individuation – personal responsibility
Linearity – Perception – Either-or Thought Model
Around level 200: Integrity threshold
Homo sapiens vs. Homo spiritus
Self-regulating individuation – personal responsibility
Linearity – Perception – Either-or Thought Model
Level 175
Level 150
Level 125
Level 100
Level 75
Level 50
Level 30
Level 20
PRIDE, contempt, bravado
Anger, rage, hatred, aggression
Desire, lust, self-enslavement
ANXIETY, Anxiety, Withdrawal
TRAURE, failure, grief, despair
APATHY, hopelessness, resignation
GUILT, malice, destruction
SHAME, disgrace, humiliation, eradication
Level 175: PRIDE, contempt, boastfulness
Level 150: ANGER, anger, hatred, aggression
Level 125: DESIRE, Desire, Self-slavery
Level 100: ANXIETY, Anxiousness, Withdrawal
Level 75: TRUST, failure, grief, despair
Level 50: APATHY, hopelessness, resignation
Level 30: GUILTY, malice, destruction
Level 20: SHAME, shame, humiliation, eradication
Level 0
Physical Death
Duality – Error – Deficiency Consciousness – Reactive Clan Consciousness – Crime
Level 0: Physical death
Duality – Error – Lack Consciousness – Reactive Clan Consciousness – Crime
Example: Let’s say a close person is at level 175 (pride, contempt, showing off) and makes a derogatory comment. In the realm of toxic relationships, this is often experienced. From which level do we want to respond to this? If we’re angry or anxious and foster that, we’re acting out from a life-denying level. However, if we use our anger and channel this energy into a conscious decision to move to the level of courage and moral courage (level 200), we can set boundaries and leave the situation. Success comes from acting on a life-affirming level. The theory says (and experience confirms) that life-affirming actions generate an outcome that is helpful to us.
Especially in the area of toxic relationships, many people unfortunately fall into feelings of guilt (level 30) or shame (level 20) and get stuck there. Unfortunately, a lot of well-intentioned help from the counseling community in the field of toxic relationships comes from a life-denying level (expressing anger, expressing contempt, nurturing fear). A conscious leap to the level of courage and neutrality would be life-affirming.
As the example shows, it’s not about denying or avoiding “negative feelings”, but about consciously using them as a vehicle to move to another level.
Psychology offers a wide range of knowledge nuggets. During my studies and training, I integrated many helpful and true elements. Particularly significant for the field of toxic relationships is the model of collusion according to Jürg Willi. You can find detailed articles about this in my blog.
Addressing developmental trauma, relational trauma bonding, and polyvagal theory is essential to building clear, loving, and healthy responsibility in the field of narcissism/co-narcissism/co-dependency.
In general, I was deeply influenced by the work, techniques, and views of Steven C. Hayes (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – Affiliate Link), Carl Rogers (see above), Jeffrey Young (Schema Therapy – Affiliate Link), Paul Watzlawick (Palo Alto Group, Constructivism – Affiliate Link), Klaus Grawe (Common Psychological Psychotherapy – Affiliate Link), and the publications about trauma (Affiliate Link) by Gabor Maté.
Diving, feeling, and thinking deeply have always come naturally to me. Without needing to make a show of it, I can say that I’ve been able to discover and detect connections that remain hidden to others. The surface may be important, but if everything is okay in the depths, the surface will calm down on its own.
From numerous scuba dives I know: There’s so much undiscovered life in the deep (blue)! Even though shoals can be intimidating, exploration is worthwhile in any case. This also applies to our soul life. There is so much within ourselves we don’t even know about, areas we have not yet tapped into.
Like the ocean, we are subject to the forces of nature – our inner tides. Knowledge and understanding of these inner laws can be a true navigational aid through the storms of life. If we fathom and dive through the deep layers of our inner ocean, we may suddenly understand the true triggers of movements on the surface.
Concepts can indeed be helpful. They offer a pathway to understanding various aspects of our inner world, such as the polyvagal theory, narcissism/co-narcissism, or co-dependency. These frameworks serve a purpose – they act as tools in the journey toward realization. However, we humans often have a tendency to over-identify with such ideas. Sometimes, it’s wiser to let go of concepts before they cause more harm than good.
Terms and concepts are summarizing inventions that assist us in understanding fragments and processes. We should try to understand them relatively, not absolutely. In a coaching process, I choose the vastness and encounter you with the assumption that I know nothing – except that aspect which we examine together. Experience shows that many reasons for specific encounters or behavior are far more complex than we might think.
The true reasons in all their variety mostly defy exact determination by the mind. There is so much more than we can imagine. The coaching process is characterized by a broad horizon. Thus, we avoid squeezing our space into narrow definitions. We might let them go in order to allow the truth to become tangible.
Every person is embedded in a larger network and connected to others. Within this network, the energy and intention with which we relate have an effect. The coaching process is dedicated exclusively to you. Here, everything may be said, thought, and felt.
By transferring results into your everyday life, coaching directs toward the well-being of all. This means I adhere to the principle of non-harming. I will not recommend anything that might harm others, disregard their dignity, or stem from an intention of revenge (especially in coaching related to toxic relationships).
To do so would open or continue a negative karmic process. But that also means you may be well, too! You are allowed to avoid harm for yourself and to live your life as you wish, setting healthy and clear boundaries to enable that. A clear “no” often requires the energy of anger. However, the intention behind it is not to harm others but rather the need to live your life in freedom as it is meant to be lived.
Shame is one of the most prominent feelings I have sensed in people during coaching sessions. Unlike shame, guilt is often related to an external event. It’s easier to deal with, because something can be done: asking for forgiveness, making amends, etc. However, with shame, we cannot take any external action. Shame refers to one’s own being and essence. You feel ashamed of who you are. This can be devastating (see map of consciousness). Everyone is the way they are, and this existence has value that deserves appreciation and acceptance. We rarely choose our being consciously. All the wounds, hurdles, and imprints we have experienced want to be accepted and seen. In this regard, we often act carelessly with ourselves and others in everyday life. Therefore, it is essential for me in the coaching process to respect the dignity of each person. In appreciation, self-appreciation and self-respect can grow, and shame begins to melt away. This is what we need more of on earth.
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