Overview
Understanding Survival Modes | Impacts on Psychology and Relationships
We all have them: Emergency programs due to survial modes. These are deep-seated physiological and psychological responses anchored in one of the oldest areas of our brain: the brainstem. Fight, flight, or freeze responses occur automatically when we perceive a threat. Whether the threat is real or perceived makes no difference because our system responds subjectively. Through individual learning experiences, certain triggers activate these emergency responses. In behavioral therapy, for instance, one can identify such triggers using techniques like behavioral analysis.
When in emergency mode, our physiological state shifts (e.g., increased heart rate, muscle tension). Our perception changes as well, especially concerning spatial awareness. Potentially threatening stimuli are processed more quickly, and our thinking becomes more focused and often negatively skewed. We think, feel, and react differently than we would in a calm state.
In this emergency state, our interactions change, too. This article explores how awareness of emergency mode is essential for a deeper understanding of ourselves. In our relationships, not understanding these emergency responses can lead to conflict and misinterpretation. In toxic dynamics, repeated cycles of escalation and survival responses create a dead-end of misunderstanding and tension. This lack of awareness can lead to recurrent drama, misunderstandings, and entanglements in cycles of accusation and self-blame.
These drama cycles hold us back from detaching from external issues and prevent us from gaining the self-awareness needed for internal growth and true independence.
The articles here follow a Self-Empowerment Approach. The focus is on distinguishing what you can truly change and what is beyond your control. It’s about knowing what is yours and what isn’t.
What this approach is not about: taking responsibility for another person’s actions, attempting to justify or blame yourself or others. Instead, it’s about focusing on yourself and taking responsibility where it serves you best. Allow others to take responsibility for their own actions.
This does not mean denying your experiences. Rather, it involves acknowledging what you have felt and experienced. It’s about feeling your pain, understanding it, and becoming familiar with it. This leads to a deeper self-understanding and acceptance.
Feelings like anger, sadness, and pain are challenging, yet all emotions have their place. They provide access to deeper layers of our being. By listening to the message of our emotions, we can use them as guides. Self-empowerment involves developing awareness and self-reflection, allowing us to choose our perspective consciously.
In situations of rejection or perceived hurt, we often adopt patterns that hinder growth. This article aims to clarify this complex misconception: when we cling to blame—either self-directed or directed at others—self-empowerment and growth become difficult, if not impossible.
Solutions, understanding, and healing are found within. It´s the inner universe from which everything significant to you emerges. With this article, I invite you to reflect on a topic that affects us all.
The Survival Instinct | How Rejection Triggers Fear & Stress
I don’t know a single person who handles rejection well. This isn’t a coincidence. In earlier times, belonging to a tribe—being part of a community—was vital for survival. This isn’t a baseless assumption; it has been scientifically verified multiple times. This Wikipedia article illustrates how social exclusion places immense stress on us humans.
Protection within a tribe once meant the difference between life and death for our ancestors. Being expelled or banished—in other words, rejected—posed a serious threat to survival. Exile meant no access to food, no shelter, and no protection from wild animals or the cold. Survival depended on cooperation within the group.
In ancient times, rejection signified an imminent threat to life. Exclusion from the tribe (essentially, rejection) triggered a profound fear of death. Even in modern times, we carry this survival mechanism within us. It’s no surprise, then, that the fear of rejection can feel as intense as mortal fear. Although we often keep it well-hidden today, it remains deeply rooted in all of us. We should allow ourselves some understanding for this part of our nature. Truly, no one wants to feel rejected!
This fear unites us all. Whether it’s an actual rejection or simply a subjectively feared rejection, the feeling is the same. What each person perceives as a potential exclusion from their community (= rejection) is deeply personal. This perception is often shaped by their personal history and cultural background. Fear of rejection often emerges when we risk breaking established rules—whether they are learned rules or constructed beliefs stemming from personal experience. For instance, “If I speak up now, there might be trouble,” possibly linked to earlier fears of family rejection or similar.
We tend to follow many of these rules unconsciously. Just like hidden beliefs, they operate automatically in our minds, influencing our actions every day.
How Individual Experiences Shape Survival Mode Responses
Depending on what we’ve learned and experienced, each of us has encountered rejection many times in our lives. In these moments, we’ve often felt a kind of survival fear. Such experiences have left lasting triggers or key stimuli embedded in our minds. If we encounter a similar stimulus today, our bodies may shift into an emergency response mode.
These triggers can take various forms—a specific topic (e.g., a conversation about narcissism), a certain type of person (like a man with a full beard that reminds one of their father), a particular situation (such as being stood up or running late), a social dynamic (being the only person in a group who isn’t consulted), or even a specific smell (like cooked Brussels sprouts, if they were often present during difficult times).
This article focuses on how the fear of rejection can activate these automatic responses. We also know from research on post-traumatic stress disorder that specific trauma-related triggers can spark such reactions. Read more about PTSD research here. In fact, avoiding situations that evoke these triggers can worsen symptoms. Learn more here >>>
People develop individual strategies for coping with this survival mode triggered by a fear of rejection. They use these strategies to either prevent or address the perceived threat of rejection, which may feel like a direct threat to their emotional and psychological survival.
In this intense fear, our survival modes kicks in. The survival instinct takes over. Some people avoid confrontation altogether, modifying their behavior to prevent any situation that might lead to rejection. They may set aside their own needs to appease others, sometimes to the point of losing touch with their own desires. For them, it’s all about staying safe from perceived threats of rejection.
Others adopt a more assertive approach, showing up with a strong presence, even displaying dominance to deter anyone from attempting to push them aside. They make themselves indispensable, believing that intimidation or authority might reduce the likelihood of being left out or rejected.
These examples illustrate different types of automatic, learned strategies:
- Preventive strategies: These aim to avoid situations that might lead to rejection, minimizing risks before they occur.
- Acute strategies: These are activated to handle and reduce anxiety in the moment once it arises.
In survival mode, our focus narrows, and our body prepares for fight-or-flight. We operate with tunnel vision, and our ability to empathize decreases. To outsiders, these behaviors may seem irrational or incomprehensible, but when we’re in survival mode, we aren’t processing things like we usually would. It’s a primal reaction, akin to how animals respond when they feel threatened—they fight, freeze, or flee.
This concept of fight or flight is widely recognized and scientifically supported as a natural response to stress and fear. Read more here >>>
In this heightened state, we lose our capacity to respond empathetically to others. Yet, it’s crucial to understand that this deep-rooted survival mechanism is present in all of us.
Understanding Survival Mode Triggers & Their Impact on Communication
We’re often unaware of it!
When two people are unconsciously triggered into emergency mode, clear communication becomes nearly impossible, and escalation is likely. In survival mode, we feel compelled to find a way to stop the perceived threat. Our first reaction is usually to remove the trigger to reduce the fear.
This can feel like someone has pressed a “button” inside us. In the haze of our fear, we may mistakenly believe this person is responsible for our fear response, and thus, the “threat” itself. We buy into the illusion that if they change, the fear will stop.
In reality, the other person may have simply touched a sensitive trigger point through their behavior, activating an emergency program within us. This triggers a deep-rooted fear—often experienced as an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability (whether we’re aware of it or not).
The actual source of this fear usually lies within the deeper parts of ourselves.
The Cycle of Survival Modes | Recognizing Triggers & Setting Boundaries
This does not mean we have to endure harmful situations, accept violations of our boundaries, or tolerate any form of aggression (our boundaries are up to us to set!). We absolutely can—and must—draw clear boundaries when necessary. It’s essential to communicate when we’ve reached our limit (and this is not our emergency response talking!). It’s about self-reflection: recognizing when our own emergency response is activated and understanding the beliefs, rules, or conditioning behind it.
Escalation happens when we’re unaware of these triggers. In times of inner chaos or fear, we may not recognize that we’ve entered survival mode and start blaming the other person for our own fear. But fear always begins within us.
If we don’t see this, we may act out defensively. This response has an immediate energetic impact: it can trigger the other person’s survival mode and their own fight starts.
So, we end up with two people in survival mode, each holding the other accountable for their emotional state. In this state, no true agreement is possible, and escalation becomes almost inevitable. Each person may try to remove the “cause” of their fear by changing or attacking the other, which only heightens the sense of threat, creating a cycle.
This is where conscious awareness becomes crucial. By learning to observe ourselves, to understand our own responses, we can develop greater insight into the dynamics at play within us and in our relationships. This marks the beginning of real change, growth, and healing (becoming whole within).
Understanding Individual Reactions | The Impact of Survival Modes on Behavior & Perception
We all carry it within us — the instinct to avoid rejection. When we experience actual or perceived rejection, our minds may turn inward, becoming self-focused as we brace against it. This reaction feels like survival itself.
Even if the rejection isn’t genuine or apparent, any stimulus can trigger a “threat” response for someone. They might instinctively slip into “emergency mode” — reacting by lashing out, withdrawing, or freezing. In these interactions, each person may view the other as a “threat” to their own sense of stability. When this mode activates, it creates an opening for projections. Internalized threats can project outward, influencing how we view others.
When we are unconsciously in emergency mode, our thoughts, feelings, and actions align with the emergency program’s focus, primarily on perceived threats. Our mind relies on past experiences to assess danger, often projecting old fears onto the present moment. This isn’t a flaw — it’s a protective mechanism.
With increased self-awareness, we can begin to recognize when a survival struggle is starting within ourselves or others. Recognizing this struggle in another person means understanding that it is their reaction, not ours. Attempting to reassure someone in survival mode often feels like another threat to them. Imagine trying to convince a drowning person that they aren’t in danger while standing on shore — it wouldn’t resonate.
Clarification can only occur if both parties approach with openness and an awareness of their own triggers and automatic responses. If this isn’t possible, it’s important to respectfully leave the issue with the other person and distance oneself in an understanding, yet firm way.
Each person’s survival triggers are individual and shaped by their unique experiences. One may feel rejected due to their emotional expression, another from unmeetable expectations, and yet another from feeling unnoticed. These reactions can manifest in ways such as hiding emotions, constantly seeking approval, or avoiding visibility. Each response, however complex, serves as a way to reduce the risk of perceived rejection.
Navigating Survival Modes | Understanding Narcissistic & Co-Narcissistic Dynamics
A person referred to as “narcissistic” may prioritize protecting their self-image at all costs. This often involves avoiding responsibility and maintaining control due to underlying fears of rejection or abandonment. Such individuals navigate their surroundings using specific, egocentric strategies that reflect a state of emergency.
On the other hand, a “co-narcissistic” counterpart often face their idealized self-image, including taboos and prohibitions. Driven by the fear of rejection, they may not allow themselves to get angry (since they don´t want to be “bad”). They often miss out to draw necessary boundaries, and are willing to take on (others´) responsibilites.
Both parties share the same goal: to avoid rejection and prevent the fear of abandonment. However, the underlying issues and strategies associated with their fear of rejection can differ significantly.
As discussed in the series of articles on empathic/narcissistic attraction, both parties share a common thread — the fear of rejection. Their approaches and coping mechanisms may vary.
A more narcissistic person might never fully engage because they are afraid of responsibility and rejection. They may keep options open, manipulate facts, applies ghosting, or maintain distance. It´s more likely that they will manipulate, externalize their feelings and threat their counterpart to move on if things don’t align with their self-image. This response often arises when they´re asked to take responsibility for their contribution in a relationship, since it´s activating their survival mechanism (see also article on the narcissistic wound).
Conversely, the co-narcissistic individual in survival mode may over-extend themselves, taking on excessive responsibility and becoming deeply involved. This loyalty can sometimes lead them to fight for their relationship at all costs, potentially sacrificing their own values and clarity. This behavior also reflects an unconscious state of emergency (cf. article on the empathic wound).
While both aim to reduce their fear of rejection, loss, and abandonment, the strategies they employ in these survival modes can differ greatly. You can dive deeper into that topic with a series of articles about the underlying mechanisms of narcissistic/co-narcissistic attraction.
Let´s hop back…
Understanding Misconceptions | Long-Term Impact of Survival Mode in Toxic Relationships
In and after toxic relationships, many seek change, evolution, and release from suffering and pain, as well as this inner chaos. Such relationships often trigger mutual fears of rejection, which can lead to chronic stress over time.
The emergency response is not a brief or one-time event but becomes permanent. Meanwhile, affected ones may remain unaware of the ongoing struggle for survival taking place within them. From my perspective, this is one reason why toxic relationships can lead to physical symptoms and illnesses over time.
Here you can find a very insightful and detailed article on chronic stress.
When we unconsciously find ourselves in this ongoing survival mode, tension & pain become unbearable at some point. The emotions triggered by the distress response (for example, feeling small, exposed, or insecure) and beliefs (such as “I must not express my truth” or “I must conform, or else…”) have turned into constant or recurring companions. This happens unnoticed and insidiously. The permanent emergency response has become the new normal.
Moreover, the fear of rejection remains equally unconscious to us. In the haze of fear of rejection and old triggered feelings, inner beliefs and assumptions emerge. They intertwine with current events and projections taking place. These two aspects can mix—a phenomenon that is often, if not always, the case. Consequently, we experience a lack of clarity and grounding within ourselves.
At some point, we simply want it to stop. However, this “it” consists of multiple components. Our lack of awareness regarding this situation leads us astray.
Ineffective Strategies to End Survival Mode | Misguided Approaches & Their Impact
1. Trying to cease the activation of our survival mode by deactivating the other one´s (because it triggers ours
2. Trying to “rescue” the other out of survival mode by continuously explaining, that we´re not a threat to them
3. Ignoring our own survival mechanism and people-pleasing. This leads us to not acknowledging, what´s going on on our side. Thus, we dismiss a part of our own experience.
4. Blaming ourselves for the other being in their survival mechanism (because that is what they believe or want us to believe). In other words, we identify with the projections related to the survival mechanism of the Other.
5. Our behavior is focused on preventing the Other from entering survival mode (taking responsibility for the Other) – often at the expense of our own truth.
These attempts to solve the issue are based on misconceptions. They only lead to more confusion, suffering, and self-alienation.
When two individuals are engaged in their struggle for survival, they also serve as each other’s projection screens reflecting their own survival mechanisms. This applies to both parties. This can only lead to endless arguments about who is right, who is behaving appropriately, and who is acting inappropriately. Such a fight against each other goes in circles and mostly stucks on trivial things. Both are trapped in their own survival mechanisms. In such moments, empathy for the other becomes nearly impossible.
Empathy does not imply that the other person is right or that we must “go along” with their opinion. Instead, empathy means awareness of what is happening. Like: “He/she is entering a survival mode. I will give him/her space until a conversation is possible again.” Or, regarding oneself: “This situation is affecting me right now; something is being triggered in me – I need a moment to process this.”
The central question at this juncture is, “Can we manage to remain present with ourselves?” This means recognizing a survival mode of another as what it is: a struggle we may have triggered, but may has very little to do with us.
Conversely, we should also recognize our own survival mechanism kicking in and see the other person merely as a trigger. This is not always easy and a process of continuous learning.
In such situations, it is essential to maintain understanding for both our own survival mode and that of the Other, including the associated process within. We must also keep clear stance and maintain wise distance if another claims a survival mechanism as reality, especially if they try to involve us into specific roles already set. We should remain alert as we recognize ourselves slipping into a role.
An auto-generated subtitled version of my video on the Drama Triangle (german) may be helpful.
It is very important not to lose sight of your own perspective. Working with an individual’s survival mechanism is a very intimate and self-responsible process. Stay aware, of maintaining boundaries! This means we must allow the other person to be as they are. We can only decide how we want to respond to such situations. What our counterpart can perceive or recognize is entirely up to them.
If we are invited, we must consciously decide if this is really helpful. Do we want to engage in this dynamic?
7 Effective Strategies to handle Survival Mode (in Toxic Relationships)
In and after toxic relationships, we seek answers and reasons for our difficulties. However, in the moment of survival mode, we are unable to see clearly. We cannot solve a crossword puzzle while running from a tiger. Clarity is absent when it comes to finding appropriate answers.
1. Learn to recognize your own survival program—when it activates and what triggers it. Accept that everyone has one.
2. Take time for yourself while in survival mode. Get to know it and, in turn, yourself (“This is part of me!” – A significant portion of the emotional charge dissipates when we acknowledge we are experiencing it).
3. Learn to regulate the survival mechanism through positive withdraw. Utilize relaxation techniques, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and training to manage tension & emotions when necessary (also release them!).
4. Then, in a state of increased clarity, reflect on the past situation and ask yourself, “What stood out to me, and why?”
5. Continue to wonder if the survival mechanism holds a message for you at this point. For example, when a special person in survival mode repeatedly reacts disregarding, disrespectful & acts aggressive and hurtful.
6. Achieve clarity regarding this and make a powerful decision. This may involve asking yourself, “What do I intend to do about this in the future?”
7. Improve your ability to understand where your own survival mode begin. Learn how to manage survival mode of others with empathy, and clear boundaries the same time. Remain grounded in yourself, without taking responsibility for their feelings.
Us humans often get caught up in what another does. We ponder the reasons and motives behind their behavior. We analyze, speculate, and interpret. We seek clarity and direction. However, in our focus on another, we fail to find clarity or orientation.
All we encounter is the Other and their unique universe, including programs, fears, and behaviors, also the probable “games” they may play. Sometimes we unconsciously engage in games to avoid facing ourselves.
Consciously or unconsciously, we all utilize (without judgment) interactions with others to feel better. We do this to alleviate fear and to feel safe.
Manipulation (in a neutral sense) begins when we devise strategies to achieve specific outcomes. For instance, when a monkey peels a banana, it is manipulating its environment to satisfy its hunger.
We are all influenced by our fears. Our minds shape our self-image and dictate our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We tend to believe in constructed narratives that capture only a small fraction of reality. This is because we cannot yet see all that is within us. We rely on such stories; they provide meaning and something to believe in, but they do not reveal the truth.
Knowing that – does it make sense to insist, that we know the truth?
Embracing Self-Responsibility in the Face of Survival Mode | A Pathway to Healing
There are individuals we describe as narcissistic. This indicates a model or concept that outlines similarities in thinking, feeling, and behavior. However, this does not capture the complex nature of individuals exhibiting such behaviors. It also does not mean we need to approve of or condone their actions, nor do we bear responsibility for them and their coping mechanisms.
We can observe how the other engages in his games. We may choose to maintain healthy distance from it.
But we can also begin to recognize that we engage in games ourselves. We sometimes might not stay true to ourselves. Getting involves in another´s story, sometimes helps us to avoid feeling something. We might create a pseudo-harmonious situation, which may not be peaceful or balanced at all.
Maybe we struggle with dissonance or the fear of being alone. This can lead us to unconsciously taking responsibility for another’s behavior and feelings – perhaps to prevent them from leaving us. Yet another game. A different one, but still a game. It distracts us from what we should truly be responsible for: standing in our own perception and truth, regardless of what others might say about us.
When we experience pain and fear, we often ignore our internal struggles and look to others as the source of our issues. This shared human experience can lead to misunderstandings.
When we accuse others, we deny ourselves the opportunity for growth and healing. Self-reflection and the choice to explore our own inner world are essential keys. This may sound simplistic: If we have a wound that is painful, exposed, or perhaps inflamed, applying a bandage to the other won’t help us. It doesn’t aid us to appease them, nor does trying to please them prevent further injury. It always begins with us.
This article on survival modes is an invitation: release the burden.
If you genuinely desire change, take the first step toward it. Let go. This will lead you to the path where you can access a new, enriched perspective and experience.
