Overview
What is Gaslighting?
The term Gaslighting, unlike most psychological concepts, did not originate from clinical observation but rather from a play by the British author Patrick Hamilton (original title: “Gas Light”). Ingrid Bergman won an Oscar for her role in the Hollywood adaptation, “Gas Light”.
The male protagonist, Gregory (played by Charles Boyer), tries to steal his wife’s jewels. This self-serving goal shapes his entire approach, which is strategic and manipulative.
After courting Paula, he takes her on a romantic honeymoon. After their wedding, he convinces her to move into a house in London she inherited from her aunt. In there, the jewels are hidden—though Paula is unaware of this.
Gregory’s strategy revolves around psychologically manipulating Paula’s perception until she believes she is losing her mind, eventually leading her to willingly seek hospitalization. His goal is to get her out of the house so he can search for the jewels undisturbed.
If we follow the original meaning of the term (as shown in the movie), then gaslighting would hardly occur in real life. While some individuals may use gaslighting to harm partners psychologically and take advantage of them materially, such cases are rare.
Few cases demonstrate a clear, self-serving intent as shown in the movie. Often, suspicions or assumptions are made about the intent. Still the clear intention remains hidden. This raises questions about how much projection is involved in assuming a specific intention. The evidence of intent in such cases is seldom as clear, which poses a problem.
The original understanding of gaslighting involves clear, manipulative behavior that entails psychological abuse and is deliberately used to achieve a specific, self-serving goal.
These situations do exist! Such relationships inflict severe suffering and anxiety, leaving individuals with a deep sense of shock and existential confusion. Such experiences can shatter one’s trust in humanity and the world itself. Long after such encounters, affected individuals may struggle with general distrust of others. Simple remarks, like a friend saying, “You look sick today…”, can immediately trigger suspicion, making them think of manipulation and causing them to withdraw. But there are also individuals affected by gaslighting who cannot detect any conscious intent or malice in the initiator (the sender). Such cases do also exist.
In my book Exit Gaslighting, we explore a new, more accessible definition of gaslighting. This expanded understanding sheds light on the broader processes of gaslighting. Knowing what truly happens is essential for successfully exiting gaslighting.
Many people get caught up in minor details—like seeing the situation from an ant’s perspective—losing contact with themselves and failing to grasp what’s happening from an astronaut´s perspective.
Thus, in the haze of confusion, they cannot find a way out of gaslighting. The book emphasizes the importance of seeing the bigger picture—the “astronaut´s” perspective. Because here the way out of gaslighting becomes visible.
As long as you remain trapped within gaslighting confusion, you lack control over your life. Many people lose their joy in life while entangled in the gaslighting universe, stuck in cycles of tension and anxiety. Exit Gaslighting aims to help those affected reclaim their lives with intention and self-determination.
The book is only available in german language until now. But if you are a bilingual translator (german-english), who can imagine royalty share for translation, feel free to contact us here including your references.
How do I recognize Gaslighting?
Those experiencing gaslighting can take steps to leave the destructive cycle of psychic manipulation of perception. The first step is recognizing gaslighting. This article includes an excerpt from my book, where we examine how a sender of gaslighting constructs and imposes an alternative reality. This alternative reality (AR) is not merely a set of beliefs but a complex web of altered statements and information that serve the sender’s interests. By identifying the characteristic indicators of this AR, we can clearly identify gaslighting.
Eight indicators of an alternative reality (book excerpt)
The following eight characteristics of an alternative reality should help you to recognize Gaslighting more clearly and step back from a so-called alternative reality of a sender.
- Claim for absolute validity of a subjective opinion. Deviating perceptions are denied, labeled as not plausible, and thus, the right to have a different opinion is erased.
If a sender stubbornly and unyieldingly insists on being right in their portrayal of reality and does not allow space for your opinion, this indicator (and therefore Gaslighting) is very likely. If the sender also provides reasons why their view is “right” and your different perception is “wrong” (citing authors, scientists, etc.), while subtly or openly devaluing or ignoring it, you can be sure that an alternative reality (AR) is being imposed on you.
- The sender elevates themselves into the role of judge over “right and wrong,” eliminating equality in the relationship.
In an AR, a sender assumes the role of judge. They behave as though it’s natural for them to judge what is “right” or “wrong,” typically in an insidious manner. As the recipient unconsciously accepts these judgments, the sender’s power over the relationship grows.
- As a judge, the sender reshapes their subjectively distorted AR as universal facts while labeling contradictory facts as subjective impressions.
A confusion between facts and subjective perception occurs within the AR. After placing themselves as judge, the sender gradually rewrites reality to match their AR. The sender’s subjective perceptions become indisputable facts, leading to a power imbalance that increasingly favors the sender. If a recipient perceives facts, such as a devaluation, the sender may label it as a “subjective” distortion. Senders often appear very credible, asserting “what is fact” with fervent conviction.
- To invalidate facts or perceptions that contradict the AR, the sender confronts the recipient with rules or widely accepted statements (e.g., “perception is subjective”), while exempting themselves from these rules.
Senders often cite rules or principles that apply only to the recipient, not to themselves. Recognized statements by influential figures may also be cited out of context to reinforce the sender’s point of view. These tactics are used to invalidate the recipient’s perception and consolidate the sender’s power and judgment.
- In an AR, details, causes, and interconnections are modified. The sender selects elements of reality, then asserts alternative interconnections and motives, thereby creating an AR that may strongly overlap with the recipient’s perception and reality.
Many people struggle to recognize Gaslighting because the AR often has convincing overlaps with their own reality. ARs seldom consist solely of minor assertions; rather, they involve modified contexts, causes, and details that suit the sender’s advantage, turning the AR into a distressing distortion for the recipient.
- The sender “creates new facts” to solidify their AR, presenting mere assertions as facts and manipulating reality to appear as if it supports the AR.
Senders may selectively highlight elements of situations, emphasizing certain parts to push the recipient deeper into the AR. This may include tangible manipulations, like moving objects or setting up scenes, to make recipients question their own perception. The manipulation of reality reinforces doubts and confuses the recipient. Since there seems to be a tangible proof for the AR then, it´s damaging their confidence in their perception of reality.
- The AR and the sender’s behavior keep the recipient busy with confusion and suffering. Contradictions between the AR and their perception drive recipients into overthinking.
The indicators and micro-processes lead to confusion, insecurity, and constant tension for the recipient. Recipients often experience a “monologue of inner argumentation” — a harmful self-reflective process where they become entangled in details of the AR, without ever reaching a clear understanding. This process fuels mood swings, as recipients alternate between trusting their perception (leading to anger) and doubting it (leading to fear and insecurity).
- In the AR, sweeping condemnations occur. Recipients are judged for their emotional states, characteristics, attitudes, or statements.
Natural human characteristics are labeled as bad or wrong according to the sender’s subjective values, which are treated as objective standards. Many recipients internalize these judgments, feeling ashamed for normal human traits. This leads to self-condemnation, where the recipient adopts the sender’s subjective judgment. This process, I called Auto Gaslighting, occurs when recipients start to gaslight themselves, feeling guilt or shame based on the sender’s internalized judgments rather than any objective wrongdoing.
What You Can Do: Inner Work for Dealing with an Alternative Reality (book excerpt)
Recipients of Gaslighting can actually take steps to leave this destructive psychological manipulation of their perception. The first step is to recognize Gaslighting.
The eight indicators can help you here. In addition to various self-coaching approaches presented in Exit Gaslighting, the following steps for Inner Work may support you in dealing with an alternative reality:
- Befriend your unlovable traits (shadow sides) – no matter how much you want to change. First accept them for what they are: A part of you.
- There is no “right” or “wrong”. Always remember that you don’t have to accept an external self-inaugurated judge
- Understand that an indictment of the AR is always done out of self-interest of a sender (Don’t take it too personal!).
- You may reject or question any judgment of a self-inaugurated judge at any time!
- There is no need for a proof, nor for a justification or excuse of your qualities from anyone outside! You´re okay!
- Stop looking for causes and reasons exclusively within yourself when something feels incongruous. Switch to the macro level: “How does this person talk to me? How is interaction taking place? Is there an eye-level?” (see book).
- Check, whether self-reflection happens in a balanced way. Does your counterpart also reflect him-/herself?
- Does your reflection lead to (self-)accusation? Do you experience guilt and shame? If so – Stop it! You´re on the wrong path here!
- Observe if and why you fell into the monologue of inner argumentation and switch to the macro level (see book)!
- Always question silent rules and check whether you consider them to be true for you! Check, if you want to approve them as valid. No one else has the right to prove them valid for you. You always have a choice!
- You are the only person who can free yourself (from judgments). Practice being generous and mild with yourself!
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious ways to unsettle people. It can appear in the context of narcissistic or emotionally unstable personality disorders, though it is not limited to these contexts. In fact, we encounter Gaslighting in many areas of everyday life—personal relationships, media, politics, and social networks.
Increasingly, we are confronted with alternative realities, supposedly “incontrovertible truths.” We are encouraged to pay attention, act mindfully, and explore our own truth—to trust our perception and intuition within. We are allowed to feel centered from within. This is a practice—a constant work in progress.
Staying calm in the face of external turmoil requires self-commitment. In this way, we can confidently feel at home in our own perception of reality. Especially sensitive and empathic individuals are called upon to repeatedly stay connected with their own perception of reality.
This is why the book Exit Gaslighting was written: to re-empower people and encourage them to feel, live, and express their unique truth. It is so essential that we all begin to live our true selves.
I apologize that there is currently no English version of Exit Gaslighting. Any bilingual translator (german-english) may feel free to contact us here with references, if royalty share is an option.
However, if you are interested in a coaching session with me, feel free to book a preliminary talk through my calendar.
Namasté,
Yours, Kristina
Invitation
If you’re considering being accompanied through the mirror process of inner work, you can book a free preliminary talk in my booking calendar at the top right of this page or below this entry.
The model assumptions are based on years of professional observation, personal experience, and knowledge from psychoanalysis, psychodynamics, and developmental psychology. For more information, please refer to the Copyright notice. The articles, including assumptions and hypotheses, may be shared freely, but please always provide attribution (my name and the website).
